After all that unnecessary drama (described here and here), I will be able to write “where he was a Tuck Scholar” on my resume. I received a letter in my mailbox yesterday, from the dean. Woo Hoo!

I ended my time at Tuck with 9.5 H’s, 16.5 S+’s, and 1 S. I didn’t think that would be enough for the top 15%, but apparently it was.

It didn’t take me very long to recalibrate and wonder if I could have done better and achieved “distinction,” which is awarded to the top 6%. It’s amazing how quickly I recalibrate these days…I’m starting to believe that I fall into that group of people known as “Type-A” personalities.

But probably the most amazing part of this experience is that I can’t wait for others to find out. It’s not enough for me to receive a nice letter in my mailbox. The intrinsic rewards are not enough. I recalibrated those away in like 10 minutes. I want more recognition! I want my classmates to know about my achievements, and feel jealous! There, I said it. You know you feel it, but you won’t say it. It’s rude and not very “Tuckie.” But it’s true.

Instead of the Tuck Scholars receiving letters, wouldn’t it be interesting if the NON Tuck Scholars received letters?

Dear _____,

Congratulations on graduating. The following 38 people will graduate as Tuck Scholars, but you won’t. They don’t know it yet, so be sure to congratulate them!

• Person 1
• Person 2
• etc.

Best Personal Regards,

Dean Danos

Then I could walk around campus being congratulated by everyone, feigning surprise each time and pretending to be humble. Ha! (I ran through this bit with Greta yesterday, and although she laughed, I think she also threw up in her mouth.)

I feel guilty about these feelings, but they were very real when I first found out. This is the type of thing that would have paralyzed me a few years ago. I would have beat myself up for hours on end, convinced I was an evil person.

But now I recognize that we humans are societal creatures with deep-set instincts and it is perfectly normal for us to experience these emotions. (although it may not be perfectly normal to express these emotions in an eponymous blog…) Watch apes as they establish hierarchies using social signals, and then challenge these hierarchies. We constantly compare ourselves to others, and we constantly strive to be the best.

It hurts when we’re not. Prior to Tuck, I was an analyst at a small firm. I was told that analysts never get promoted to associates without an advanced degree. After I was accepted to Tuck, another analyst was promoted to associate….without an advanced degree. It burned. A lot. I felt rejected, stupid, and incompetent. It was completely irrational but it was very real. Why would the firm promote someone who was planning to leave in 6 months? It didn’t matter. My co-worker (and friend) had been promoted over me, and therefore I was a failure.

I’ve learned to deal with these situations over time, and I’d like to think I’m much more mature now. But my base feelings about Tuck Scholar prove, yet again, that I am only human.