The hotel workers must be taking my little rant personally.  This morning, I shot off a quick post about the excessive intrusions of the staff.  Tonight, they’ve tripled their intensity.

First, ordering dinner required 4 telephone conversations.  1)  I call to order food.  2) They call back to tell me it will be up in 5-10 minutes.  I jump in shower, phone rings immediately.  I jump out, but just miss the call.  3)  I call back to ask if anyone just called me.  No, but we’ll check on it.  4)  They call back to tell me my food will be right up.

Food is delivered.  Short, pleasant conversation earns server a $5 tip (in addition to 21% service fee).

Then, 10 minutes later, I get another call.

“Hi Mr. Herbert, it’s the room service manager.  I just wanted to check and see how your room service experience went tonight.  How was the food?”

“Hurmggmm.”  Chew chew, swallow. “Unsubscribe!”  OK, I didn’t say that.  I made one of those self-deprecating jokes that make the other person feel good about themselves.  You know, it’s called “charm.”  But the last thing I should be doing is wasting energy on charm when I only have 20 minutes to scarf down dinner, talk to my wife, and listen to Barack Obama’s speech before getting back to work.

So I do all those things and then decide to move from the desk chair to the Heavenly Bed.  There are many reasons that Starwood is the best hotel chain in the world for business travelers…I think #4 is the Heavenly Bed (After points, points, and vacation destinations).  So I unplug my laptop and spend about 5 minutes getting perfectly situated on the bed.  This involves a delicate balance of pillow-arranging so I’m comfortably reclined but unlikely to fall asleep.  Also, water must be within reach.

I spend about 8 minutes in a flurry of productivity.

Then, at 10:55 pm, a hotel employee knocks on my door.

My first thought was to scream out “WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM ME!?!”  Instead I sighed and asked “Yes?”

“Oh Mr. Burbert, I turn down service gobbledy gook check out tomorrow blah blah blah.”  That’s what it sounded like.  Shit, I thought, this might be important.  I got up and opened the door.

“Oh Mr. Burbert, I turn down service, just checking to see if you want a turn down.”

“No.”

“How about a chocolate?”

WTF?  Who goes around knocking on hotel room doors at 11pm?  Is this some kind of valued perk for Gold Starwood members that I’m too unsophisticated to understand?  Is it like a hot towel in first class?  You know, the kind of thing that only seems incredibly stupid until you try it?

Why would I want some strange woman to come into my room, give me chocolates and tuck me into bed?

Ok, when I say it like that, there might be some value in it.  If only she were 30 years younger and had more teeth.  But seriously, what if I were sleeping?

Something must give.