I receive breaking news alerts from CNN, WSJ, NYT, various media-industry and bankruptcy-industry sources. I get a lot of emails. If the Fed cuts interest rates, my Inbox suddenly has 9 new messages letting me know what happened. I usually read one of them and archive the rest.

It amuses me to see the varying thresholds for “breaking news” from all of these sources. The WSJ sticks to major financial news, like deal announcements or stock market swings. The NYT tends to cover national and political news, like when a leader of a foreign country passes away or a self-righteous politician is caught being human.

CNN, on the other hand, will do just about anything to entice me to turn on my television. “High speed car chase in San Antonio, Texas!” “Wife killer in Idaho sentenced to life in prison.” Or celebrity news like “Britney Spears Seen At Bowling Alley.”

Today I received this message from CNN (this is an actual quote): “Texas Rangers meet with and then release a man suspected of abusing a teenage girl at a polygamist compound.”

Naturally, my first thought was about baseball. I assumed the Texas Rangers had signed a new shortstop, and then released him when they found out he was a polygamist. That would have been newsworthy to me.

Maybe the player’s family was taking up too many seats in the player family section. Or maybe the guy was insisting that each of his 25 sons get a chance to be a batboy.

But no, CNN just wants me to turn on the TV, so I can watch endless looping footage of some guy walking out of a police station, and listen to blowhard after blowhard spout moralistic nonsense to the nation. If CNN gets lucky, I’ll stick around for Lou Dobbs to get my daily dose of fear, stupidity and ignorance.